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Ok..so I am cleaning up and getting things ready for my move to WordPress. Manure got real son. Ok ok...for this post....no more pony references. Seriously...I bet you were expecting a "Right after this one...nope...no ponies. More
I was asked by this cool guy on facebook paraphrasing here. "When is a good time to come out as bi to a potential mate? Women seem to not dig it." There are a few schools of thought.
Today on the way to work I realized too late that I didn't charge my iPod. Thus I would be a victim of the useless,irritating chatter of my surrounding commuters. Stuck in a tube barreling down in the A.M. in which a seat on the train is more valuable than a corner office I wince at the minutes ahead at being unprotected by my audio entertainment.
While listening to chatter which had tales similar to " Furreal nigga, this shit was poppin.." other classics included "There is no way she did that! Why would she do that? She knew you liked him!" To my favorite " Good ________ Ladies and gentlemen. I am sellin' candy today. I ain't doin this for no basketball charity but to put money in my pocket. I gots M&M peanuts n' sittles' and fruit rallups (note: he said fruit roll-ups but it came out as...) theys a dolla a piece. Who wants sum candy, yo?)
However I do miss the bootleg dvd salesperson, the battery person that also sells dvds, cds, batteries, Krazy Glue, and assorted novelty items with the always consistent yet jingle-eque chant of "CDs,DVDs, Batteries one dollar one dollar" and repeat. But they have been replaced by The mariachi band, more frequent 2-3 kids break-dancing team that ALWAYS slap their hands on the ceiling,Everybody goes "ohhhh!" and my favorite and probably yours...Mr. I-got-no-legs
Yes he is real. I wonder what happened to him?
Now while all of that is happening (Trust me, you get use to it) I hear two women talk. One of them was kinda cute Puerto Rican and the other was a black chick that was sporting the best weave money could buy...or at least put into a payment plan. She was portraying the "Strong independent, sistah #236 which is "I'm hood, I keeps it realz cuz Ims all about the paperz but I do read...sometimes" which is close to #125 in which that particular "sistah unit" only listens to Neo Soul and R&B and considers herself an expert on all tings black music but when confronted with people such as Phillis Wheatley or Le Chevalier De Saint-Georges....sorry ranting...
Well, during their 15 seconds of fame in my mind the following was said (this isn't exact and I was not going ot ask them to clarify) "Yo did you hear about how people were saying Omarion was bi :sucks teeth: I would never have a dude that was bicurious or whateva that nasty shit is. you can't trust them They be havin all kinds of nasty shits!" "I wouldn't either, cuz you know they are gonna cheat on ya fer' sum dick, girl. That's that down low nasty shit. I don't fucks with that!" If you knew me a strong sense of correcting them was about to be unleashed. But since they didn't ask for my input AND when people have their mind set on a falsehood they definitely dont want to hear proof . Especially from someone they would consider "one of thems down low niggas"
But since this being an op-ed/advice column and this tied in to 4 questions I got. Ladies and that one gent, this one is for you.
Will a bisexual man leave you or cheat on you because he misses the sexual organ you do not have?
As easy for me to be pissed I have to look at this objectively and acknowledge that this is a legitimate concern. There are a lot of people that are questioning their sexuality & wonder what it wold be like with the same sex if they are heterosexual or different if they believe they are homosexual. For the time being we will use the term monosexual as they are only attracted to one sex. Easy enough? I think so.
Ok first things first. Let's define down-low and the all powerful Wikipedia says:
Down-low (also "on the down low" or "on the DL") may refer to any activity or relationship kept discreet. Specifically, it may refer to:
Keeping an act, action or some other piece of information a secret.
Down-low (sexual slang): Men who identify as straight, but have sex with men (often a friend) on the side without disclosing this to their female partner(s).
"A strict definition of a bisexual would be someone who has romantic and/or sexual relations with other people of more than one sex (though not necessarily at the same time - seesection A8). However, since not everyone has necessarily had the opportunity to act on their sexual/romantic attractions, some people prefer a looser definition; for instance, that a bisexual is a person who - in their own estimation - feelspotentiallyable to have such attraction. This could be anyone who has erotic, affectionate, or romantic feelings for, fantasies of, and/or experiences with both men and women. A bisexual may be more attracted to one sex than the other, attracted equally to both, or find people's sex unimportant (seesection A7). The strength of their attractions to men and women may vary over time."
Ok. So if you skimmed over that part it's basically saying that Bisexual men and Men who are "On the Down Low" or DL are different. However, there is one common trait. If they are gay men wishing they can be out in their commuinty or they are bisexual men trying to fit in within the either side of the monosexual spectrum be it heterosexual or the homosexual. Repressing usually leads to The Blow Back Effect. In otherwords, it can come back to haunt in a serious way. wait......WHAT? I'm sure you're asking that and let me explain.
Everygroup has a sub-group and within that sub-group usually dwells other sub-groups and so on and so forth. However there is something different about bisexuality especially bisexuality in communities of color.
Those who are part of a double minority be it lesbian and Asian or gay and Hispanic have a much harder time of acceptance than their white counterparts. Now add that to bisexuality. SO if you have a bisexual Asian male you got a triple minority or even a Hispanic bisexual female....well..that where it gets different...
Bisexual males have a harder time than bisexual females. Why? Bisexual males challenges the notion and even the strength of the all powerful phallus. Ok..bisexual women catch flack from a lot of lesbians because they feel they will go down the hetero road and marry a guy. The same i said about bi men by gay men. From the 4 guys I dated I only heard that out of one guys mouth and he walked out on the date when he finally understood that when I said I was bi I didn't mean racial. Now for Bisexual women in the land of the mainstream hetero bisexual women are looked at favorably.
Take the case of Madonna vs. Adam Lambert.
One was thought of as innovative and hot and the other was banned from tv as disturbing.
It all boils down
to
one
dangly
thing.
The Dong
Being that the set standard is hetero and that somehow the penis is the magic key that can turn a lesbian straight if she met the right man. (in some countries of Africa they use "corrective rape" to "cure" alleged lesbians of their homosexuality. I say alleged because who decides what a lesbian suppose to look like? Since ANY women can be a lesbian then ANY women can be called one and be a victim. Even the straight married lady with 5 kids and a loving husband. But that is another story *sigh* a sad one at that. Now...bi men.
Somehow there is this vampire-esque mystique about the penis. As if once you hunger for it you must have it..you will go mad without dancin the tube-steak boogie. Cruisin in dark allies..THE HUNGER!
Let me put it to you this way. How often does anyone cheat? I am going to repeat that because I do think it bears repeating. How often does anyone cheat? I know I know, you don't want to worry about an added equation and competition something you don't have ladies. I know. penis can be quite enjoyable. I know. Gay dudes am I right or am I right? As sexual as we are as human being we do acknowledge the fact that even though we are sexual creatures we are emotional beings. if a person as the predisposition to cheat the are gonna do it regardless. Ladies, nobody's sexual organ is that magical. and fellas...its a vagina not the fountain of fantasy. It's all about holes and poles. If you are that worried ladies and maybe that open and dare I say cool talk about using a strap-on harness. If you aren't comfortable with that don't worry. Not every bisexual guy, heck not even every gay guy wants anal sex. Seriously.
So back to the original question: Will a bisexual man leave you or cheat on you because he misses the sexual organ you do not have? Well I guess the odds of a bisexual cheating on you is the same as any men cheating on you. Just let him be honest and free and he will be more than appreciative. For myself as a bisexual man all I ant is acceptance and understanding. Which is something I can't get from a lot of my family. SO when he or she gives that to me. HEAVEN! It's not about allowing us to be with other men. It's allowing us to acknowledge that the men in our lives that we have loved count.
One advantage about dating a bisexual guy. You both can talk about bad dates with men ;) oh lawd do I have stories. but that's for another time.
Your bi buddy,
A.B.G.
P.S. I need a better sign off. Your bi buddy? blech
I didn't get a chance to lay down the rules of etiquitte and such before we went live but I already got a letter so I figured since this was an important question I would get right into it.
Usually I would ask you guys to come up with your own catchy signatures but since this person used their real name I am gonna make it theirs.
Hi. My name is ______ and I live in *Censored Urban Area* and I am talking to this girl I really like and I want to tell her that I'm bisexual but I don't want to scare her off. How do I tell her without scaring her away?
Well right now guy I am gonna call you ....Sam. I just saw a marathon of episodes of Supernatural online so I am gonna Sam so accept it.
Ok , Sam, with the vast amount of knowledge, wisdom, and cosmic radiation and gamma rays I have gathered in my years I will not only be honest, I will be honest in being honest with you.
There is no perfect way to tell her. None. Nada. If she leaves. Now there are different ways of telling her.
But before you do have you thought of what will happen after you tell her?
What I am trying to ask is how "Out" are you?
Does your parents and friends know?
Is there anyone that she knows that you know that you do not want to know?
Dangers from the community
Loss of job
Alienation and lost of personal living arrangement and even job.
It may sound like I am bringing up the worst scenario but these are things I am sure (hope) you thought of before coming out.
She might think of her safety and risk of HIV and such because she heard of "The Down Low"
Now if you haven't heard of it I am sure one of her friends has heard of it and told her and before she gets into a tizzy make sure you can respond with this
Science, bitches.
So let's say she doesn't believe that. Not much else you can do. Now let's get back into HOW to tell her.
Tell her honestly and tell her WHY you didn't tell her in the first place. She may feel that you lied to her and that you hid something that YOU were ashamed of while in fact it was just fear. She may and probably will run through a lot of scenarios in her head or she will be cool with it and say she knows already and to pass the Slim Jims. Who knows?
It's usually easier in the beginning. How do you tell on a first date? Do it like the late great Richard Jeni suggest. Using a Damn Card Table
I know Bosco too!!!
I use humor because well..that's me. I like humor. I've been told I'm funny I am funny. I use humor. It's what I got. It's what I use. You.. I don't know. I don't really know you and I won't pull a Dr. Phil-of-himsef to think I can give you the perfect advice. You know her. You deep down inside know hot to tell her. Tell her the way you know how in the way you think SHE deserves to hear it. Because in reality you didn't come out to her in the beginning but AH-HA! She didn't come out as straight either! HA! Take that Status Quo! Let's see if she buys that.
Oh and on a side note: Don't wait to tell her after Valentine's day because you know she is gonna get you a present because that is just the fucker's way of doing things.
There is absolutely no way to be perfect about it. Just be honest. She is gonna have questions. Such as:
Why didn't you tell me before?
Does this mean you want to see men on the side now?
Are you or have you cheated on me?
Do you have AIDS?
Who else knows?
Have you slept with *insert male friend's name here in which you hang out with*?
Do you think about guys when you fuck me?
Were you with a guy before we met?
Did you ever mess with a guy when we first started dating?
Do you look at guys when we are walking?
and many... MANY more will be floating in her head I guarantee it.
Now since you told her you are now the ambassador of everything bisexual to her.
Congrats motherfucker!
How can that not be somewhere around a 3 on the Kinsey scale?
You may feel like this
Queer Wolf
And you think she sees this
OH GOD! It's The Dan Savage Squad!
And you feel the world is gonna treat you like this.
Just remember these two things:
And not a single ripple left behind
Ain't nuthin' you can do but keep soaring
and to quote a transgender friend of mine.
Insert fish joke here.
"Show that fish what's up!"
If you are gonna be an open bisexual man still be a fucking man and don't apologize and still love her.
Since you can love openly she can do the same. If she can't then ask your this important question. The only question that needs to be answered.
Who do you love more?
Her or yourself?
Cuz no matter what happens if you can't love yourself enough to be honest why should she love you.
There are a lot of reasons to NOT tell her but there is only one reason that there is to tell her.
Because you want to be fucking free.
Because censorship belongs in children's movies not in real life
Because you deserve the right to be yourself
Because she deserve to know who she is loving and how truly fucking awesome you are.
and most importantly
Because you shouldn't have to
OK there is more than one.
Fuck you.
With much fucking love,
The Bisexual Guy
I am sure that there are other people that have their own reasons why or why not people should and shouldn't come out. Go ahead and comment. Become a follower, tweet this bitch, and let me and "Sam" in on that sage like advice you got.
