Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Art of Dating: the Ask A Bisexual Guy Way

Note: Anytime I refer to any group or sub group I am NOT speaking about the group just those that I have encountered unless explicitly stated.

The last blog entry I did has been bothering me. Not that I didn't like it or the
at anyone did anything wrong. I really enjoyed doing a blog just for one specific person. So special thanks again to @life3dblog for allowing me the honor of trying to help her see things from a different point of view. Please check out her blog http://life3dblog.com/ I am still reading it it's really intense.
  I also want to thanks ever so much to @IRantURave  and please check out her blog post on http://iranturave.wordpress.com/ I really enjoyed it and I hope you do to Check it out and if you dont enjoy it...there you go. But she asked me questions and I was asking my self those questions. So with all the questions. It got me thinking. Who comes up with these rules of labels, do's & dont's?
  It's just that...what are the rules of dating in bisexuality?What about genderqueer folks? Are the rules the same or different? What about expectations from the date?  I think about how it was for me growing up. Everything was hinged on the male being some sort of provider no matter what. He takes her out to:
 share an ice cream soda at the soda shop

Ride a bicycle made for two

Go Out for a swim

Take the boat out

Go to a sexy cocktail party (sans cock)
Go out dancing (Sadie Hawkins night)
 Double date anybody?

I mean we have been dating for a long time as a species. But as awareness and evolutions in science, society, and gender equality grows our lessons in dating seldom do. I actually learned dating from TV & Cosmo magazines watching sit-coms like Charles n Charge and those old movies. You know the ones when the guy took a gal out he gt changed into a tux and went to a place with live dancing and cigarette girls. pack of lucky strikes for 2 bits. I watched a lot of these. I learned, I taught myself how to dance the waltz, to tango, anything that was on the silver screen I aspired to learn sans piano playing. Maybe one day I'll learn to tickle those ivories.

If there was ever a person who I aspired to be it was William Powell

William Powell. He was a dashing man. He was suave, debonair A real stand up guy. But he'd sock ya one across jaw if ya got out of line. Always lit a lady's cigarette first unless he liked her. If he did he would light his first then light hers with his cigarette. He always had the charm of  evoked the moral character of Atticus Finch while having the essence of being a true American gentlemen. Not an Englishmen gentlemen nor a French gentlemen but an American Gentlemen. Think George Cloony , Denzel, and every other guy you ever thought that as dashing and you got a taste of his excellence.
So like any kid that saw these people I emulated them. Figured them out. See, the rules of etiquitte were things like:
Pulling a chair out for a lady.
Carrying a handkerchief for a woman to use,
 a lighter always ready to assist a lady in her cigarette lighting.
Offer your jacket if she is cold.
Call her a cab.
Order her food for her as well as the wine.
Things a dapper young gent is suppose to do..was suppose to do. Maybe nowadays that's sexist
I'll still hold a door open for a lady. Oddly enough only the guys that happen to go through say thank you.

  However things changed when I started..tried to date another male. That when things got really confusing and awkward. All those rules I have learned vanished. I didn't know any queer dating etiquette.
Who pulls out the chair for who?
 Do I order for him or he for me?
  Who makes the move for the first kiss?
Does the three day waiting role for calling still matter?
Those gender roles that came with dating with women I thought went out the window.
Honestly I still don't know. When I do date other guys it's more like hanging out than an actual date. It's weird. Most of the guys I dated we never held hands in public. Sometimes they weren't into PDA which was fine. Sometimes the guy wanted to be private which I kinda understood until I saw the other couples. He said after asking a bit more that he didn't want his students to know. *shrugs* I guess & I accepted it. Especially with ENDA not being approved how could I not? I wasn't going to mess with his career just because I wanted some PDA.
I couldn't send flowers for our one year dating anniversary or get him fired. I found that with most of the guys I dated. I wanted to be an out & proud bisexual I didn't want to shout it from the rooftops (have a megaphone. Save that voice for the bedroom) I just wanted to live, laugh and love just like all the other little straight boys & girls.

  So I learned and I adjusted to the best of my abilities. In a way, Dating with the new gender is like learning a second language.  Things like
"Why the fuck are you calling me Mary?"
"No I am not a friend of Dorthy. I don't know who she is and why the fuck is everybody keep asking me that? Do all black people look the fucking same?!"
"yes I am bisexual. that doesn't mean I am some sort of dick vampire that hungers for cock every fortnight lady! You're gonna leave in the middle of the date?"
flip side
"Yes, I am bisexual that doesn't mean all of a sudden I will wake up in the middle of a brothel sticky with vaginal fluids and wearing tattered clothes cuz I "vaged out" one night! Fuck you ya shit! This date is over! I'm leaving YOU pay for the bill!" Ahh memories.

With all these dynamics I have to think..I can't be the only one that thinks about these things nowadays.
SO that as always folks leads us to our question:

How Do You Date a Bisexual Guy? or How Does a Bisexual Guy Date?

Answer:  Fuck if I know. 

Here's the thing. I can tell you how I date and what I would like the way a date would be but with social morays & expectation It can be awkward. Oh heck I'll use me as an example. For me dating a woman is easy. I got my shtick down. I know who I am and I present it. The basics of dating is an interview position for...other positions. which will then hopefully lead into a merger of acquisitions. I .E. dating which leads into committed couple which leads into marriage and kids. Now the fact that I am bisexual usually leads into questions of will she be the next Terry McMillian

Gay guys..the ones I dated and hung around with usually look for specific sort of guys 98% of the time it's for "straight acting" gay men. That's right. That way Charles Nelsons Riley, Paul Lynde & Rip Taylor speak. Sibilant letters or aka gay lisp can sometimes be looked down upon. I personally thin it's cute & I like it on a lot of the guys I date. That's how I roll. *shrugs*  I always found that weird. I always thought a bit of camp was brave. Spitting glitter into the eye of societies gender norms. I usually tell people that my first crush as in "I want to hump them" was Buddy Cole played by Scott Thompson

So as a bisexual man I have to not only fit in to the gay world but also the straight world and as a bisexual man of color I have to stay in touch with my roots else be seen as a sell out as well as not be that threatening negro that has little old white women clutching purses. You know the one.  But alas since I am not the tamed rough neck and more of a dandy yet less of a fop with a dash more of William Powell with a pinch of George Sanders I usually don't come off as that stereotypical anything. Sometimes that s a hindrance. sometimes it's a blessing. But from the few bisexual men I met we rarely do. Maybe it's just the circles I fly in you know.

Since I don't fit in into anybody's box and yet have to learn everybody else's box accommodating to them so they understand me while still judging me at the same time. Look, we judge everybody we meet. you, I, that person over there . That other person reading this over your shoulder. they all judge and don't judge. Maybe you call it something different.  interview them through your own norms, feeling them out, figuring out their angle, seeing where they fit, Are they down, whatever you want to call it. It's fine. We do it for safety, "Should I talk about my date with my boyfriend..wait..they just said stop acting like a fucking fag and lift with your legs. Best not." perhaps it's when dating " Damn this guy is fine I wonder what...ahh.. he is married and wants to be my sugar daddy. check please" We all do but before we do judge each other we should at least know the rules before passing down sentence.

Which is why the next 4 blogs will be dedicated to the Art of Dating: the Ask A Bisexual Guy Way.

The blogs will go like this
One for bisexual men going out with a guy
The next bisexual men going out with a woman
The third  guy going out with a bisexual guy
The fourth woman going out with a bisexual guy

Ok..if there are any question shoot them at me know in the comment area. Pass it to your friends. ask your friends. ask your neighbors. re-tweet this send it over to your blog buddies. Your girlfriends at work. Your guy friends at work. Whomever you can get to come up with questions let me know. I will do what I can to make sure you don't have to say "but what about.." and it not be answered for these.




CharlotteJ said...

Thanks for the mention. I imagine it can be challenging being attracted to both sexes. Often people think that bisexuals are greedy, horny, or indecisive. I think it is soooo more complicated than that, obviously.

BTW, I think you would enjoy my ex-husband. He is a straight acting gay guy. He still says that he is a homosexual man that "falls in love" with women and can make love to a woman (me) b/c of the emotional connection, not out of that strong "pussy hunger" that most straight guys have. I am still figuring out. I love your blog because you help to enlighten me and the world. Thank you!

Ask A Bisexual Guy said...

Thanks Charlotte! I hope that the next in this series will continue to enlighten you and everyone else.

Tell him to stop on by my blog. I would love to learn from him as much as I am learning from you.

Lex said...

I actually have no clue how I'd approach a date with a guy. Am I wrong for seeing men I want to get intimate with as sexual objects first? Yeah, probably. Doesn't mean I'm not curious about the idea of dating a guy.

But I really, really don't trust men. Another issue entirely, I'm sure. So, I couldn't see how dating a guy could work out for me. I'm a romantic. Most guys I've met are just into a quick handshake then a it's all hands-on-dick. No style. No class. No romance.

Anyway, it's more of an idea, a fantasy than anything else at this point in my life. Missed opportunity, I guess.

Ask A Bisexual Guy said...

It makes sense man. We know what we get with sex We don't even have to speak 9/10 of the time. just the echoing sounds of belt bulking crashing on the pavement breaking the silence. I will definitely cover that. I got the handshake too. I also got had some awesome relationships. It can be difficult. I rarely ever met a guy that wanted to date at a "gay" function. Never a bar. never a club. Always a place where I can exchange words without music in the background. I got ya Lex Don't worry yo. The next is is gonna be sweet.

CrackerLilo said...

I love this post. I love the vintage pictures in it, too.

As a woman, I remember how awkward it was when I first met the girl who'd become my wife. (It didn't help that we were both teens.) I'd only dated guys and only half-overcome the dumbassed advice from my Christian youth group, which was also toxic for straight people. She hadn't really dated or had a relationship. So we had to work out questions like "Who leads when we dance?" and "Who pays?" together. I've grown to like not having a huge set of contradictory expectations laid on us, but sometimes you do want a guide.

And then it got all weird again when the future wife and I went "on a break", which we did frequently in our 20s, and I met a bisexual man.

I remember, too, watching a good friend of mine come out as bisexual around age 30. He felt so lost when he embarked on his first (and still lasting!) same-sex relationship. Thankfully, he'd fallen in love with his best friend, who understood how awkward things were for him.

Sorry to write another blog entry into your comments (I should probably do that shit in my own blog, instead.) Guess all I really need to say is "This is needed, and thank you so much for sharing with us."

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