Sunday, February 13, 2011

Wow...this one made my heart spin *sigh* Valentine's Day Special Edition

This was the comment I received on my post which was called "Like, eww" & other things said about me and my brothers. 

"Great post. I think I am getting it. I was married to a man who was straight, then bi, now gay but still likes girls and says he is still in love with me. It is very confusing. We are not happy apart but we are already divorced. Neither one of us wanted an "open marriage." But we are still in love with each other and care for each other even though we have sex and even have relationships with other men.

Here is my question: Can a bi-man love me as a woman? And what is the difference between bi and gay? " *
*Note: certain words were edited for spelling. 

This question. This right there. Is probably one of the hardest questions I have ever had personally directed at me. I have heard women talk about the Down Low. It's been on Oprah. It's been on talk shows. But this was personal. The moment that I finished the last sentence the sense of being an activist ceased and the feelings of connection of another human beings hurt & betrayal hit me right in right ventricle. How can I answer this question without it leaving out the emotional aspect of this person's anguish. The answer is simple. I can't. At the same time another couple I know have hit the end of their long time marriage. high school sweethearts. Married DURING high school. 

Damn you to bowls of Zalgo, Cupid, You arrow-shooting, a-hole! I have to say something really quick... 

A message to Cupid & all those who are going to break up with someone AFTER they receive their presents quoted from Penny Arcade 

"Don't say another Goddamn word. Up until now, I've been polite. If you say anything else - word one - I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one. When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming - as though from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin. I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the Earth." 

   Yeah umm..I have thing with Valentine's Day but, back to my original post

Can a bi-man love me as a woman? And what is the difference between bi and gay?

I guess I will take the logical approach first then the emotional approach. broken down into three questions.

  1. What is the difference between a bisexual and gay
  2. Can a bi man truly love a woman? or Can I bi guy ever be monogamous?
  3. Is there really such thing as bi or will I always have to worry about a him becoming gay?



Answering the first one isn't that much of a challenge for me but the other ones I can't answer. Only the subject person can. So I will answer those questions not as ABG but as myself. The man behind ABG.

1. What is the Difference between Bisexual & Gay?

The difference between bisexual & gay is believe or not is orientation vs identity. Confused?
I was too so let me explain.

You have heterosexual,bisexual,& homosexual. Now those are the big three when it comes into sexuality. (Not to discount asexuality but I am not that familiar with asexuality & I also want to keep within the confines of bisexuality for this post.)  Then you have your identities. Such as pansexual,omnisexual, gay,lesbian, and yet again bisexual. *shrugs* I don't know how exactly that came about but it happened before I knew what was up.
There are people that identify with themselves as gay & yet still find some women attractive while there are women who identify as lesbians who still find certain men attractive. Oh & by attraction I do mean want to and/or does have sex with said others. There are some lesbians & gay men that have sex with each other because they find certain traits in each other they find desirable in each other. He may be the most feminine person she has ever been with and she may be the most masculine person he has ever been with and sexually or emotionally they connect. *shrugs* Life can't fit in a box nor can our desires.
To go deeper into that there are many people of color including black gay males who do not identify as gay due to the fact that they feel that the gay lifestyle has nothing to do with them s people of color due to the fact that everything gay caters to white men who love men and not men who love men. 

2. Can a bi man truly love a woman? or Can I bi guy ever be monogamous?

Short answer:Yes. Actor Montgomery Cliff said it best "I love men in bed, but I really love women!" Montgomery Clift: A Biography, by Patricia Bosworth 

and taken from the "all knowing Wikipedia 
"Patricia Bosworth, who had access to CliftElizabeth TaylorLibby Holman,Nancy Walker and Ann Lincoln. Clift struggled his whole life with his bisexuality, he once said 'I love men in bed, but I really love women!'"[4]

Elizabeth Taylor was a significant figure in his life. He met her when she was supposed to be his date at the premiere for The Heiress. They appeared together in A Place in the Sun, where their romantic scenes received considerable acclaim for their naturalness and their appearance. Clift and Taylor appeared together again in Raintree County and Suddenly, Last Summer.

Because Clift was considered unemployable in the mid 1960s, Taylor put her salary for the film on the line as insurance, in order to have Clift cast as her co-star in Reflections in a Golden Eye.[4] Clift died before the movie was set to shoot. Clift and Taylor remained good friends until Clift's death."

Maybe the word bisexual didn't exist back then as it does today. Maybe if there were other bisexuals & bisexual things to do who knows.   

  Can a bisexual guy ever be monogamous? That isn't a really practical question. It's hard to say if anybody can be monogamous to begin with. Another is there hasn't been a sincere scientific study on the length of relationship with bisexuals. How does one grade that? Bisexual with bisexual vs bisexual with homosexual vs bisexual with heterosexual? then age group due to social taboo & stigmas not to forget the difference in genders & trials & tribulations with each dynamic. 
  How long is a monogamous relationship? On what grounds does a relationship end for it to be a successful monogamous relationship? I couldn't even grasp on how to really figure that out but if you are asking me if any bisexual man can love you as a woman? Sure why not? If he can? I don't know. hopefully some sort of group counseling or gathering is taking place for the both of you. That is a lot to take in for anybody.

3.  Is there such thing as bi or will he eventually turn into a homosexual.

If i had a nickel for every time I heard that I would have another for every gay guy saying that a bi guy will eventually turn straight. A lot of bisexual women get pre-judged for not only have slept with guys and not denouncing their past love experience but stating that yes they still find themselves attracted to men. So a lot of lesbians feel that bisexual women will gravitate back to men & leave them.

Ok, here it is. Coming to terms late in life & even more so expressing it openly s probably one of the most confusing things a person can do. It's a second puberty. All of the social things a person grew up with said person has to learn & deal with now late in life. That teen angst, the Degrassi High feeling later in life sucks HARD & no one can teach you really. hmm...maybe.... Buy Having dad give you a talk about the homosexual birds & bees is probably not gonna happen. Did I hang out in gay clubs? YUUUP? Did I hang out with gay people? You bet your sweet bippy! Did I want to call myself gay? I did! Just because it was a  new world. Not gonna cue Ariel's "A Part Of Your World" cuz Disney scares me.  After awhile as I found other bisexual people I could identify more with them. It was easier for me to say I was bi because I had a place of other like minded people that accepted me. If I didn't I might have still said I was straight & wished or even cheated on the women I was with because when the day was over there was nothing for me in the gay community. I had no love of Madonna, Cher, musicals, circuit parties, or any of gay society. Not a social tropes for me to connect to & form an attachment with unfortunately. Still don't.

   In a nut shell I don't really know you but from what I read from your blog I don't see why anybody wouldn't be able to love you. Bisexual or hetero or gay. Monogamy, I think that bisexual guy would have to had sometime to understand his role as a bisexual man in today's society and with himself before he can with another woman or men and yes even you. 

I hope this helped somewhat & if you wish to you can always reach me at my email at askabisexualguy@gmail.com 

I hope things work out well with your ex-husband.




7 comments:

Charlotte Jay said...

Thank you SO much for your post. I think agrees with Montgomery Clift quote. When I saw him last, he looked at me with a mix of love, pity, and guilt. It reminded me why I left in the first place. I need to move on and let someone else love me. Thank you once again.

CrackerLilo said...

My wife has been "warned" by other lesbian women that I'd leave her at any second, even after almost 20 years of knowing each other. We joke about how I'm going to run away with the first attractive pizza boy or UPS man who comes to our door. (That said, when we met a former NHL player who I had a huge crush on, she gripped my hand so hard it turned white!)

She had the best reply for one of her friends recently: "I don't need her to love all women or only women. I want her to love"--turns finger onto herself--"this woman." And I do, absolutely crazy. Nobody gets me more than she does, bisexuality and all.

Ask A Bisexual Guy said...

*hugs to all* Please. comment as you like. I made this blog for all of us.
Thank you so much for sharing your story Cracker LiLo. Wow..20 years, How about that. What's your secret?

LYEV MAHRK said...

Being attracted to the same sex in countries like USA,UK Canada is really easily as i have heard.There are still people there who don't like people like us but it not as bad as that of Russia cos here we are beaten jailed and sometimes even killed.You can't hold the hand of the one you care about in the public so as to avoid been harassed we can even set a place to me cos if we are caught we face jail time.Here in Russia we gay are prisoner in our own country.I am currently in a relation with my fiance and we had to leave Russia to be together.Before now his parent were against our relationship cos they had no idea he was gay we sneaked around knowing the risks if we were to be caught.When he finally got heart to tell him family the rejected him and asked he stops seeing me or they were going to turn him in and that scared him a lot his father is a very powerful man in Russia and he made it possible for him not to be able to live the country i mean as long as you have money in Russia anything goes.I was lucky they never got to meet me cos if they did i would have not been here right now writing this article that you are all reading.Probably i would have been in jail.Months passed and there was no way we could see each other cos they had him watched to make sure he is never get to meet me and also to know the person the was he was practicing this profane act with as they called it.They stripped him of all his right to the family assets and made him an outcast i could see he was suffering form the text he was sending me they made his life miserable and made him end our relationship.I knew he was confused and did know what to do to get his life back to make his family see him the way they use to.And i knew that his family were never going to accept his life style cos they are so anti gay.If they were to be a fund riser to fight gay practice in Russia his family will be the first to ask that they host it.I love him so much but he was scared of him family and they also had a grip on him.I know most person don't believe in what about to say but still if it wasn't for Mutton Osun a spell caster that i found on the internet i would not have been writing this.It happened maybe by a slim chance or fate that i was a blog were it happened that i read three distinct comment about how he help them with similar problem.I contacted him with an email address that was in the comment.I asked Mutton Osun to cast a spell to make my then boyfriend to make up his mind to run away from Russia with me to be together and also his family as in his father to make it possible for him to leave Russia with me and set a very comfortable life for us were we were going.And i know doing spells with someone you can't even see is outrageous but i promise you he makes you feel more at else when he calls and he really goes through with his promise cos he did with mine he was really helpful to him and kind.And like other people said he doesn't even charge you for what he is doing for you.I had to provide some list of materials that he asked that i get for my spell casting.I preferred that i sent the money down to him cos they were not easy to find and even when i found them it was so expensive but he could get them cheaply.He instructed me on how to make the spell work with great effect.It took 7 seven day and night to see it result.On the seventh night my boyfriend call me to tell me we could finally be together cos his father did agreed to do all i asked mutton osun to make him do i just knew at once it was Mutton Osun spell cos it what i asked for and now me and fiance are the happiest right now we can hold hand now without fear of being harassed or sent to jail for we are in love and we are very comfortable here.His father made sure everything was set before we even got here just like i asked it should be.Am going to also leave Mutton Osun email here just like others have done for contact purpose godsofosunx@rocketmail.com

Robbie Holmes said...

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Patrick Umez said...

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