This was the comment I received on my post which was called "Like, eww" & other things said about me and my brothers.
"Great post. I think I am getting it. I was married to a man who was straight, then bi, now gay but still likes girls and says he is still in love with me. It is very confusing. We are not happy apart but we are already divorced. Neither one of us wanted an "open marriage." But we are still in love with each other and care for each other even though we have sex and even have relationships with other men.
Here is my question: Can a bi-man love me as a woman? And what is the difference between bi and gay? " *
*Note: certain words were edited for spelling.
This question. This right there. Is probably one of the hardest questions I have ever had personally directed at me. I have heard women talk about the Down Low. It's been on Oprah. It's been on talk shows. But this was personal. The moment that I finished the last sentence the sense of being an activist ceased and the feelings of connection of another human beings hurt & betrayal hit me right in right ventricle. How can I answer this question without it leaving out the emotional aspect of this person's anguish. The answer is simple. I can't. At the same time another couple I know have hit the end of their long time marriage. high school sweethearts. Married DURING high school.
Damn you to bowls of Zalgo, Cupid, You arrow-shooting, a-hole! I have to say something really quick...
A message to Cupid & all those who are going to break up with someone AFTER they receive their presents quoted from Penny Arcade
"Don't say another Goddamn word. Up until now, I've been polite. If you say anything else - word one - I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one. When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming - as though from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin. I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the Earth."
Yeah umm..I have thing with Valentine's Day but, back to my original post
Can a bi-man love me as a woman? And what is the difference between bi and gay?
I guess I will take the logical approach first then the emotional approach. broken down into three questions.
- What is the difference between a bisexual and gay
- Can a bi man truly love a woman? or Can I bi guy ever be monogamous?
- Is there really such thing as bi or will I always have to worry about a him becoming gay?
Answering the first one isn't that much of a challenge for me but the other ones I can't answer. Only the subject person can. So I will answer those questions not as ABG but as myself. The man behind ABG.
1. What is the Difference between Bisexual & Gay?
The difference between bisexual & gay is believe or not is orientation vs identity. Confused?
I was too so let me explain.
You have heterosexual,bisexual,& homosexual. Now those are the big three when it comes into sexuality. (Not to discount asexuality but I am not that familiar with asexuality & I also want to keep within the confines of bisexuality for this post.) Then you have your identities. Such as pansexual,omnisexual, gay,lesbian, and yet again bisexual. *shrugs* I don't know how exactly that came about but it happened before I knew what was up.
There are people that identify with themselves as gay & yet still find some women attractive while there are women who identify as lesbians who still find certain men attractive. Oh & by attraction I do mean want to and/or does have sex with said others. There are some lesbians & gay men that have sex with each other because they find certain traits in each other they find desirable in each other. He may be the most feminine person she has ever been with and she may be the most masculine person he has ever been with and sexually or emotionally they connect. *shrugs* Life can't fit in a box nor can our desires.
To go deeper into that there are many people of color including black gay males who do not identify as gay due to the fact that they feel that the gay lifestyle has nothing to do with them s people of color due to the fact that everything gay caters to white men who love men and not men who love men.
2. Can a bi man truly love a woman? or Can I bi guy ever be monogamous?
Short answer:Yes. Actor Montgomery Cliff said it best "I love men in bed, but I really love women!" Montgomery Clift: A Biography, by Patricia Bosworth
and taken from the "all knowing Wikipedia
"Patricia Bosworth, who had access to CliftElizabeth Taylor, Libby Holman,Nancy Walker and Ann Lincoln. Clift struggled his whole life with his bisexuality, he once said 'I love men in bed, but I really love women!'"
Elizabeth Taylor was a significant figure in his life. He met her when she was supposed to be his date at the premiere for The Heiress. They appeared together in A Place in the Sun, where their romantic scenes received considerable acclaim for their naturalness and their appearance. Clift and Taylor appeared together again in Raintree County and Suddenly, Last Summer.
Because Clift was considered unemployable in the mid 1960s, Taylor put her salary for the film on the line as insurance, in order to have Clift cast as her co-star in Reflections in a Golden Eye. Clift died before the movie was set to shoot. Clift and Taylor remained good friends until Clift's death."
Maybe the word bisexual didn't exist back then as it does today. Maybe if there were other bisexuals & bisexual things to do who knows.
Can a bisexual guy ever be monogamous? That isn't a really practical question. It's hard to say if anybody can be monogamous to begin with. Another is there hasn't been a sincere scientific study on the length of relationship with bisexuals. How does one grade that? Bisexual with bisexual vs bisexual with homosexual vs bisexual with heterosexual? then age group due to social taboo & stigmas not to forget the difference in genders & trials & tribulations with each dynamic.
How long is a monogamous relationship? On what grounds does a relationship end for it to be a successful monogamous relationship? I couldn't even grasp on how to really figure that out but if you are asking me if any bisexual man can love you as a woman? Sure why not? If he can? I don't know. hopefully some sort of group counseling or gathering is taking place for the both of you. That is a lot to take in for anybody.
3. Is there such thing as bi or will he eventually turn into a homosexual.
If i had a nickel for every time I heard that I would have another for every gay guy saying that a bi guy will eventually turn straight. A lot of bisexual women get pre-judged for not only have slept with guys and not denouncing their past love experience but stating that yes they still find themselves attracted to men. So a lot of lesbians feel that bisexual women will gravitate back to men & leave them.
Ok, here it is. Coming to terms late in life & even more so expressing it openly s probably one of the most confusing things a person can do. It's a second puberty. All of the social things a person grew up with said person has to learn & deal with now late in life. That teen angst, the Degrassi High feeling later in life sucks HARD & no one can teach you really. hmm...maybe.... Buy Having dad give you a talk about the homosexual birds & bees is probably not gonna happen. Did I hang out in gay clubs? YUUUP? Did I hang out with gay people? You bet your sweet bippy! Did I want to call myself gay? I did! Just because it was a new world. Not gonna cue Ariel's "A Part Of Your World" cuz Disney scares me. After awhile as I found other bisexual people I could identify more with them. It was easier for me to say I was bi because I had a place of other like minded people that accepted me. If I didn't I might have still said I was straight & wished or even cheated on the women I was with because when the day was over there was nothing for me in the gay community. I had no love of Madonna, Cher, musicals, circuit parties, or any of gay society. Not a social tropes for me to connect to & form an attachment with unfortunately. Still don't.
In a nut shell I don't really know you but from what I read from your blog I don't see why anybody wouldn't be able to love you. Bisexual or hetero or gay. Monogamy, I think that bisexual guy would have to had sometime to understand his role as a bisexual man in today's society and with himself before he can with another woman or men and yes even you.
I hope this helped somewhat & if you wish to you can always reach me at my email at firstname.lastname@example.org
I hope things work out well with your ex-husband.