Tuesday, January 11, 2011

"Like, eww" & other things said about me and my brothers.

  Today on the way to work I realized too late that I didn't charge my iPod. Thus I would be a victim of the useless,irritating chatter of my surrounding commuters. Stuck in a tube  barreling down in the A.M. in which a seat on the train is more valuable than a corner office I wince at the minutes ahead at being unprotected by my audio entertainment.
  While listening to chatter which had tales similar to " Furreal nigga, this shit was poppin.." other classics included "There is no way she did that! Why would she do that? She knew you liked him!" To my favorite " Good ________ Ladies and gentlemen. I am sellin' candy today. I ain't doin this for no basketball charity but to put money in my pocket. I gots M&M peanuts n' sittles' and fruit rallups (note: he said fruit roll-ups but it came out as...) theys a dolla a piece. Who wants sum candy, yo?)
However I do miss the bootleg dvd salesperson, the battery person that also sells dvds, cds, batteries, Krazy Glue, and assorted novelty items with the always consistent yet jingle-eque chant of "CDs,DVDs, Batteries one dollar one dollar" and repeat.    But they have been replaced by The mariachi band, more frequent 2-3 kids break-dancing team that ALWAYS slap their hands on the ceiling,Everybody goes "ohhhh!" and my favorite and probably yours...Mr. I-got-no-legs

Yes he is real. I wonder what happened to him?

  Now while all of that is happening (Trust me, you get use to it) I hear two women talk. One of them was kinda cute Puerto Rican and the other was a black chick that was sporting the best weave money could buy...or at least put into a payment plan. She was portraying the "Strong independent, sistah #236 which is "I'm hood, I keeps it realz cuz Ims all about the paperz but I do read...sometimes" which is close to #125 in which that particular "sistah unit" only listens to Neo Soul and R&B and considers herself an expert on all tings black music but when confronted with people such as Phillis Wheatley or Le Chevalier De Saint-Georges....sorry ranting...
   Well, during their 15 seconds of fame in my mind the following was said (this isn't exact and I was not going ot ask them to clarify) "Yo did you hear about how people were saying Omarion was bi :sucks teeth: I would never have a dude that was bicurious or whateva that nasty shit is. you can't trust them They be havin all kinds of nasty shits!" "I wouldn't either, cuz you know they are gonna cheat on ya fer' sum dick, girl. That's that down low nasty shit. I don't fucks with that!" If you knew me a strong sense of correcting them was about to be unleashed. But since they didn't ask for my input AND when people have their mind set on a falsehood they definitely dont want to hear proof . Especially from someone they would consider "one of thems down low niggas" 

   But since this being an op-ed/advice column and this tied in to 4 questions I got. Ladies and that one gent, this one is for you.

Will a bisexual man leave you or cheat on you because he misses the sexual organ you do not have?

  As easy for me to be pissed I have to look at this objectively and acknowledge that this is a legitimate concern. There are a lot of people that are questioning their sexuality & wonder what it wold be like with the same sex if they are heterosexual or different if they believe they are homosexual. For the time being we will use the term monosexual as they are only attracted to one sex. Easy enough? I think so. 
Ok first things first.  Let's define down-low and the all powerful Wikipedia says:

Down-low (also "on the down low" or "on the DL") may refer to any activity or relationship kept discreet. Specifically, it may refer to:
  • Keeping an act, action or some other piece of information a secret.
  • Down-low (sexual slang): Men who identify as straight, but have sex with men (often a friend) on the side without disclosing this to their female partner(s).
Ok..we kinda get that now let's get bisexual defined.  Taken from The Alliance of Queer and Ally Students at Michigan State University

  "A strict definition of a bisexual would be someone who has romantic and/or sexual relations with other people of more than one sex (though not necessarily at the same time - see section A8). However, since not everyone has necessarily had the opportunity to act on their sexual/romantic attractions, some people prefer a looser definition; for instance, that a bisexual is a person who - in their own estimation - feelspotentially able to have such attraction. This could be anyone who has erotic, affectionate, or romantic feelings for, fantasies of, and/or experiences with both men and women. A bisexual may be more attracted to one sex than the other, attracted equally to both, or find people's sex unimportant (see section A7). The strength of their attractions to men and women may vary over time."

Ok. So if you skimmed over that part it's basically saying that Bisexual men and Men who are "On the Down Low" or DL are different. However, there is one common trait. If they are gay men wishing they can be out in their commuinty or they are bisexual men trying to fit in within the either side of the monosexual spectrum be it heterosexual or the homosexual. Repressing usually leads to The Blow Back Effect. In otherwords, it can come back to haunt in a serious way. wait......WHAT? I'm sure you're asking that and let me explain.

Everygroup has a sub-group and within that sub-group usually dwells other sub-groups and so on and so forth. However there is something different about bisexuality especially bisexuality in communities of color.
Those who are part of a double minority be it lesbian and Asian or gay and Hispanic have a much harder time of acceptance than their white counterparts. Now add that to bisexuality. SO if you have a bisexual Asian male you got a triple minority or even a Hispanic bisexual female....well..that where it gets different...

  Bisexual males have a harder time than bisexual females. Why? Bisexual males challenges the notion and even the strength of the all powerful phallus.  Ok..bisexual women catch flack from a lot of lesbians because they feel they will go down the hetero road and marry a guy. The same i said about bi men by gay men. From the 4 guys I dated I only heard that out of one guys mouth and he walked out on the date when he finally understood that when I said I was bi I didn't mean racial.  Now for Bisexual women in the land of the mainstream hetero bisexual women are looked at favorably. 
Take the case of Madonna vs. Adam Lambert.

One was thought of as innovative and hot and the other was banned from tv as disturbing.
It all boils down
The Dong
Being that the set standard is hetero and that somehow the penis is the magic key that can turn a lesbian straight if she met the right man. (in some countries of Africa they use "corrective rape" to "cure" alleged lesbians of their homosexuality. I say alleged because who decides what a lesbian suppose to look like? Since ANY women can be a lesbian then ANY women can be called one and be a victim. Even the straight married lady with 5 kids and a loving husband. But that is another story *sigh* a sad one at that. Now...bi men.
 Somehow there is this vampire-esque mystique about the penis. As if once you hunger for it you must have it..you will go mad without dancin the tube-steak boogie. Cruisin in dark allies..THE HUNGER!
  Let me put it to you this way. How often does anyone cheat? I am going to repeat that because I do think it bears repeating. How often does anyone cheat? I know I know, you don't want to worry about an added equation and competition something you don't have ladies.  I know. penis can be quite enjoyable. I know. Gay dudes am I right or am I right? As sexual as we are as human being we do acknowledge the fact that even though we are sexual creatures we are emotional beings. if a person as the predisposition to cheat the are gonna do it regardless. Ladies, nobody's sexual organ is that magical. and fellas...its a vagina not the fountain of fantasy. It's all about holes and poles. If you are that worried ladies and maybe that open and dare I say cool talk about using a strap-on harness. If you aren't comfortable with that don't worry. Not every bisexual guy, heck not even every gay guy wants anal sex. Seriously. 

 So back to the original question: Will a bisexual man leave you or cheat on you because he misses the sexual organ you do not have?  Well I guess the odds of a bisexual  cheating on you is the same as any men cheating on you. Just let him be honest and free and he will be more than appreciative.  For myself as a bisexual man all I ant is acceptance and understanding. Which is something I can't get from a lot of my family. SO when he or she gives that to me. HEAVEN! It's not about allowing us to be with other men. It's allowing us to acknowledge that the men in our lives that we have loved count. 
 One advantage about dating a bisexual guy. You both can talk about bad dates with men ;)  oh lawd do I have stories. but that's for another time.

Your bi buddy,

P.S. I need a better sign off. Your bi buddy? blech
P.S.S. anybody to any M&Ms or Skittles?


Rose LeMort said...

The double standard is so, so, so ridiculous. Neither is gross, and as a straight woman, the two guys kissing was hotter to me! Besides, Adam Lambert is a real genuine gay dude. Britney Spears and Madonna? I don't know if either of them actually has any bisexual leanings, but I call lesbian for the camera on that one.
I get so burned up when guys talk about how hot lesbian porn is but then decry gay male porn as "gross." I tell them that they don't have to like it, but is no more gross than either lesbian or straight sex. Also, grow the fuck up!
I also love how films, in the United States at least, try to be ever so titillating (see what I did there?) with their female nudity, but show a penis and it's all shocking and immoral and getting an NC-17 rating slapped on it!

mizztcasa said...

Is so FRUSTRATING, ain't it, to hear all those ignorant comments. You (bi) guys do have it pretty tough, especially, like you mentioned, in minority communities. The only way I see to stop the gossip is for more of you wonderful bi guys (& the not so wonderful ones too I guess) to come and be honest. But many would have to overcome a lot of societal barriers first. So easy said then done. Anyway, 'you bi buddy' is cool.

Ask A Bisexual Guy said...

@Rose & @mizztcasa Thank you both for your comments. I do enjoy comments. Even if I don't agree with them. Everyone's point of view is welcome.

@Rose Ahh...the NC-17 for penis.
I do believe that the penis is held higher than all other body parts. it's so sacred it must be protected from the eyes of mere mortals. Unless it's on National Geographic tv or magazine of some tribe of people deemed beneath them.

@misstcasa OH! I have an idea on that. Next Wednesday on here and at Raspberry Mousse I will have an answer for stopping the gossip.

outoutout said...

Great post. I think a lot of it boils down to inherent sexism and misogyny in our Western culture - and yes, a huge double standard. Whatever appeals to a horny straight dude = good. So, two women having sex is hot, two men having sex is gross. Boobs on TV = hot, penis on TV (in the States, anyway) = OMG nooooo it burns my eyyyyyyyes! Etc.

The first time I heard about the whole "down low" thing was on Oprah's show. She interviewed two black men who were married to women but also having sex with men. The women, of course, were devastated - not so much because they'd been cheated on (a legitimate pain), but mainly because their men were "gay". Oprah wanted them all to admit that they were gay and come to terms with being gay. And I'm like, weeeeellllll, what about being bisexual? It's always one or the other with people. I admit to once being like that too... but I digress...

I'm sure you've heard that tired old saying: "In bisexuality, the penis always wins."? Yeah.

As far as bi women having it "easier"... hmm, I don't think that's necessarily true. They certainly have it different in the sense that they are usually objectified rather than outright persecuted, but that can be just as hurtful. It turns love between two women into a performance art for men's enjoyment. Bi men probably don't have to worry about some straight chick walking up and asking to have a threesome with her boyfriend, and then getting all offended when the bi man in question says "NO". Seriously... I can't count the number of times that I've read about a married woman coming out as bi to her husband, and he gets all excited, because now they can have threesomes! Because that's what being a bi woman is all about, having threesomes with dudes. And kissing other women just to excite men, or just for ratings, or whatever. Bleh.

Anyhoo, you're absolutely right that bisexuality is no indicator of one's likelihood of cheating. I wish someone would tell that to the Straight Spouse Network.

Sorry for all the rambling here! Hope that made a shred of sense.

CharlotteJ said...

Great post. I think I am getting it. I was married to a man who was straight, then bi, now gy but still likes girls ans says he is still in love with me. It is very confusing. We are not happy apart but we are already divorced. Neither one of us wanted an "open marriage." But we are still in love with each other and care for each other even though we have sex and even have relationships with other men.

Here is my question: Can a bi-man love me as a woman? And what is the difference between bi and gay?

Ask A Bisexual Guy said...

Charlotte....not only will I answer that question I will answer it in the next post.

Lex said...

M&M's. Just FYI.

Ask A Bisexual Guy said...

With o without nuts?

Kristin Craig Lai said...

As for your last comment, awesome bi pun. Moving on...

I wish more people would realize that when women are crushed to find out their boyfriend/husband is on the D/L it's not bisexuality or even homosexuality that's the problem. The problem is homophobia. If men felt safe to be who they are and be out they wouldn't "have" to go sneak around about it.

Without the homophobia mucking things up you'd only have to worry about whether or not he's a cheat which, as you said, has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

Ask A Bisexual Guy said...

I think that that is part of it. I think it's a MAJOR part of it. It took me awhile to realize that one thing isn't the answer. it's a bunch of things rolled into one. But definitely...definitely part of it.