Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Art of Dating: the Ask A Bisexual Guy Way

Note: Anytime I refer to any group or sub group I am NOT speaking about the group just those that I have encountered unless explicitly stated.

The last blog entry I did has been bothering me. Not that I didn't like it or the
at anyone did anything wrong. I really enjoyed doing a blog just for one specific person. So special thanks again to @life3dblog for allowing me the honor of trying to help her see things from a different point of view. Please check out her blog http://life3dblog.com/ I am still reading it it's really intense.
  I also want to thanks ever so much to @IRantURave  and please check out her blog post on http://iranturave.wordpress.com/ I really enjoyed it and I hope you do to Check it out and if you dont enjoy it...there you go. But she asked me questions and I was asking my self those questions. So with all the questions. It got me thinking. Who comes up with these rules of labels, do's & dont's?
  It's just that...what are the rules of dating in bisexuality?What about genderqueer folks? Are the rules the same or different? What about expectations from the date?  I think about how it was for me growing up. Everything was hinged on the male being some sort of provider no matter what. He takes her out to:
 share an ice cream soda at the soda shop

Ride a bicycle made for two

Go Out for a swim

Take the boat out

Go to a sexy cocktail party (sans cock)
Go out dancing (Sadie Hawkins night)
 Double date anybody?

I mean we have been dating for a long time as a species. But as awareness and evolutions in science, society, and gender equality grows our lessons in dating seldom do. I actually learned dating from TV & Cosmo magazines watching sit-coms like Charles n Charge and those old movies. You know the ones when the guy took a gal out he gt changed into a tux and went to a place with live dancing and cigarette girls. pack of lucky strikes for 2 bits. I watched a lot of these. I learned, I taught myself how to dance the waltz, to tango, anything that was on the silver screen I aspired to learn sans piano playing. Maybe one day I'll learn to tickle those ivories.

If there was ever a person who I aspired to be it was William Powell

William Powell. He was a dashing man. He was suave, debonair A real stand up guy. But he'd sock ya one across jaw if ya got out of line. Always lit a lady's cigarette first unless he liked her. If he did he would light his first then light hers with his cigarette. He always had the charm of  evoked the moral character of Atticus Finch while having the essence of being a true American gentlemen. Not an Englishmen gentlemen nor a French gentlemen but an American Gentlemen. Think George Cloony , Denzel, and every other guy you ever thought that as dashing and you got a taste of his excellence.
So like any kid that saw these people I emulated them. Figured them out. See, the rules of etiquitte were things like:
Pulling a chair out for a lady.
Carrying a handkerchief for a woman to use,
 a lighter always ready to assist a lady in her cigarette lighting.
Offer your jacket if she is cold.
Call her a cab.
Order her food for her as well as the wine.
Things a dapper young gent is suppose to do..was suppose to do. Maybe nowadays that's sexist
I'll still hold a door open for a lady. Oddly enough only the guys that happen to go through say thank you.

  However things changed when I started..tried to date another male. That when things got really confusing and awkward. All those rules I have learned vanished. I didn't know any queer dating etiquette.
Who pulls out the chair for who?
 Do I order for him or he for me?
  Who makes the move for the first kiss?
Does the three day waiting role for calling still matter?
Those gender roles that came with dating with women I thought went out the window.
Honestly I still don't know. When I do date other guys it's more like hanging out than an actual date. It's weird. Most of the guys I dated we never held hands in public. Sometimes they weren't into PDA which was fine. Sometimes the guy wanted to be private which I kinda understood until I saw the other couples. He said after asking a bit more that he didn't want his students to know. *shrugs* I guess & I accepted it. Especially with ENDA not being approved how could I not? I wasn't going to mess with his career just because I wanted some PDA.
I couldn't send flowers for our one year dating anniversary or get him fired. I found that with most of the guys I dated. I wanted to be an out & proud bisexual I didn't want to shout it from the rooftops (have a megaphone. Save that voice for the bedroom) I just wanted to live, laugh and love just like all the other little straight boys & girls.

  So I learned and I adjusted to the best of my abilities. In a way, Dating with the new gender is like learning a second language.  Things like
"Why the fuck are you calling me Mary?"
"No I am not a friend of Dorthy. I don't know who she is and why the fuck is everybody keep asking me that? Do all black people look the fucking same?!"
"yes I am bisexual. that doesn't mean I am some sort of dick vampire that hungers for cock every fortnight lady! You're gonna leave in the middle of the date?"
flip side
"Yes, I am bisexual that doesn't mean all of a sudden I will wake up in the middle of a brothel sticky with vaginal fluids and wearing tattered clothes cuz I "vaged out" one night! Fuck you ya shit! This date is over! I'm leaving YOU pay for the bill!" Ahh memories.

With all these dynamics I have to think..I can't be the only one that thinks about these things nowadays.
SO that as always folks leads us to our question:

How Do You Date a Bisexual Guy? or How Does a Bisexual Guy Date?

Answer:  Fuck if I know. 

Here's the thing. I can tell you how I date and what I would like the way a date would be but with social morays & expectation It can be awkward. Oh heck I'll use me as an example. For me dating a woman is easy. I got my shtick down. I know who I am and I present it. The basics of dating is an interview position for...other positions. which will then hopefully lead into a merger of acquisitions. I .E. dating which leads into committed couple which leads into marriage and kids. Now the fact that I am bisexual usually leads into questions of will she be the next Terry McMillian

Gay guys..the ones I dated and hung around with usually look for specific sort of guys 98% of the time it's for "straight acting" gay men. That's right. That way Charles Nelsons Riley, Paul Lynde & Rip Taylor speak. Sibilant letters or aka gay lisp can sometimes be looked down upon. I personally thin it's cute & I like it on a lot of the guys I date. That's how I roll. *shrugs*  I always found that weird. I always thought a bit of camp was brave. Spitting glitter into the eye of societies gender norms. I usually tell people that my first crush as in "I want to hump them" was Buddy Cole played by Scott Thompson

So as a bisexual man I have to not only fit in to the gay world but also the straight world and as a bisexual man of color I have to stay in touch with my roots else be seen as a sell out as well as not be that threatening negro that has little old white women clutching purses. You know the one.  But alas since I am not the tamed rough neck and more of a dandy yet less of a fop with a dash more of William Powell with a pinch of George Sanders I usually don't come off as that stereotypical anything. Sometimes that s a hindrance. sometimes it's a blessing. But from the few bisexual men I met we rarely do. Maybe it's just the circles I fly in you know.

Since I don't fit in into anybody's box and yet have to learn everybody else's box accommodating to them so they understand me while still judging me at the same time. Look, we judge everybody we meet. you, I, that person over there . That other person reading this over your shoulder. they all judge and don't judge. Maybe you call it something different.  interview them through your own norms, feeling them out, figuring out their angle, seeing where they fit, Are they down, whatever you want to call it. It's fine. We do it for safety, "Should I talk about my date with my boyfriend..wait..they just said stop acting like a fucking fag and lift with your legs. Best not." perhaps it's when dating " Damn this guy is fine I wonder what...ahh.. he is married and wants to be my sugar daddy. check please" We all do but before we do judge each other we should at least know the rules before passing down sentence.

Which is why the next 4 blogs will be dedicated to the Art of Dating: the Ask A Bisexual Guy Way.

The blogs will go like this
One for bisexual men going out with a guy
The next bisexual men going out with a woman
The third  guy going out with a bisexual guy
The fourth woman going out with a bisexual guy

Ok..if there are any question shoot them at me know in the comment area. Pass it to your friends. ask your friends. ask your neighbors. re-tweet this send it over to your blog buddies. Your girlfriends at work. Your guy friends at work. Whomever you can get to come up with questions let me know. I will do what I can to make sure you don't have to say "but what about.." and it not be answered for these.



Sunday, February 13, 2011

Wow...this one made my heart spin *sigh* Valentine's Day Special Edition

This was the comment I received on my post which was called "Like, eww" & other things said about me and my brothers. 

"Great post. I think I am getting it. I was married to a man who was straight, then bi, now gay but still likes girls and says he is still in love with me. It is very confusing. We are not happy apart but we are already divorced. Neither one of us wanted an "open marriage." But we are still in love with each other and care for each other even though we have sex and even have relationships with other men.

Here is my question: Can a bi-man love me as a woman? And what is the difference between bi and gay? " *
*Note: certain words were edited for spelling. 

This question. This right there. Is probably one of the hardest questions I have ever had personally directed at me. I have heard women talk about the Down Low. It's been on Oprah. It's been on talk shows. But this was personal. The moment that I finished the last sentence the sense of being an activist ceased and the feelings of connection of another human beings hurt & betrayal hit me right in right ventricle. How can I answer this question without it leaving out the emotional aspect of this person's anguish. The answer is simple. I can't. At the same time another couple I know have hit the end of their long time marriage. high school sweethearts. Married DURING high school. 

Damn you to bowls of Zalgo, Cupid, You arrow-shooting, a-hole! I have to say something really quick... 

A message to Cupid & all those who are going to break up with someone AFTER they receive their presents quoted from Penny Arcade 

"Don't say another Goddamn word. Up until now, I've been polite. If you say anything else - word one - I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one. When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming - as though from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin. I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the Earth." 

   Yeah umm..I have thing with Valentine's Day but, back to my original post

Can a bi-man love me as a woman? And what is the difference between bi and gay?

I guess I will take the logical approach first then the emotional approach. broken down into three questions.

  1. What is the difference between a bisexual and gay
  2. Can a bi man truly love a woman? or Can I bi guy ever be monogamous?
  3. Is there really such thing as bi or will I always have to worry about a him becoming gay?

Answering the first one isn't that much of a challenge for me but the other ones I can't answer. Only the subject person can. So I will answer those questions not as ABG but as myself. The man behind ABG.

1. What is the Difference between Bisexual & Gay?

The difference between bisexual & gay is believe or not is orientation vs identity. Confused?
I was too so let me explain.

You have heterosexual,bisexual,& homosexual. Now those are the big three when it comes into sexuality. (Not to discount asexuality but I am not that familiar with asexuality & I also want to keep within the confines of bisexuality for this post.)  Then you have your identities. Such as pansexual,omnisexual, gay,lesbian, and yet again bisexual. *shrugs* I don't know how exactly that came about but it happened before I knew what was up.
There are people that identify with themselves as gay & yet still find some women attractive while there are women who identify as lesbians who still find certain men attractive. Oh & by attraction I do mean want to and/or does have sex with said others. There are some lesbians & gay men that have sex with each other because they find certain traits in each other they find desirable in each other. He may be the most feminine person she has ever been with and she may be the most masculine person he has ever been with and sexually or emotionally they connect. *shrugs* Life can't fit in a box nor can our desires.
To go deeper into that there are many people of color including black gay males who do not identify as gay due to the fact that they feel that the gay lifestyle has nothing to do with them s people of color due to the fact that everything gay caters to white men who love men and not men who love men. 

2. Can a bi man truly love a woman? or Can I bi guy ever be monogamous?

Short answer:Yes. Actor Montgomery Cliff said it best "I love men in bed, but I really love women!" Montgomery Clift: A Biography, by Patricia Bosworth 

and taken from the "all knowing Wikipedia 
"Patricia Bosworth, who had access to CliftElizabeth TaylorLibby Holman,Nancy Walker and Ann Lincoln. Clift struggled his whole life with his bisexuality, he once said 'I love men in bed, but I really love women!'"[4]

Elizabeth Taylor was a significant figure in his life. He met her when she was supposed to be his date at the premiere for The Heiress. They appeared together in A Place in the Sun, where their romantic scenes received considerable acclaim for their naturalness and their appearance. Clift and Taylor appeared together again in Raintree County and Suddenly, Last Summer.

Because Clift was considered unemployable in the mid 1960s, Taylor put her salary for the film on the line as insurance, in order to have Clift cast as her co-star in Reflections in a Golden Eye.[4] Clift died before the movie was set to shoot. Clift and Taylor remained good friends until Clift's death."

Maybe the word bisexual didn't exist back then as it does today. Maybe if there were other bisexuals & bisexual things to do who knows.   

  Can a bisexual guy ever be monogamous? That isn't a really practical question. It's hard to say if anybody can be monogamous to begin with. Another is there hasn't been a sincere scientific study on the length of relationship with bisexuals. How does one grade that? Bisexual with bisexual vs bisexual with homosexual vs bisexual with heterosexual? then age group due to social taboo & stigmas not to forget the difference in genders & trials & tribulations with each dynamic. 
  How long is a monogamous relationship? On what grounds does a relationship end for it to be a successful monogamous relationship? I couldn't even grasp on how to really figure that out but if you are asking me if any bisexual man can love you as a woman? Sure why not? If he can? I don't know. hopefully some sort of group counseling or gathering is taking place for the both of you. That is a lot to take in for anybody.

3.  Is there such thing as bi or will he eventually turn into a homosexual.

If i had a nickel for every time I heard that I would have another for every gay guy saying that a bi guy will eventually turn straight. A lot of bisexual women get pre-judged for not only have slept with guys and not denouncing their past love experience but stating that yes they still find themselves attracted to men. So a lot of lesbians feel that bisexual women will gravitate back to men & leave them.

Ok, here it is. Coming to terms late in life & even more so expressing it openly s probably one of the most confusing things a person can do. It's a second puberty. All of the social things a person grew up with said person has to learn & deal with now late in life. That teen angst, the Degrassi High feeling later in life sucks HARD & no one can teach you really. hmm...maybe.... Buy Having dad give you a talk about the homosexual birds & bees is probably not gonna happen. Did I hang out in gay clubs? YUUUP? Did I hang out with gay people? You bet your sweet bippy! Did I want to call myself gay? I did! Just because it was a  new world. Not gonna cue Ariel's "A Part Of Your World" cuz Disney scares me.  After awhile as I found other bisexual people I could identify more with them. It was easier for me to say I was bi because I had a place of other like minded people that accepted me. If I didn't I might have still said I was straight & wished or even cheated on the women I was with because when the day was over there was nothing for me in the gay community. I had no love of Madonna, Cher, musicals, circuit parties, or any of gay society. Not a social tropes for me to connect to & form an attachment with unfortunately. Still don't.

   In a nut shell I don't really know you but from what I read from your blog I don't see why anybody wouldn't be able to love you. Bisexual or hetero or gay. Monogamy, I think that bisexual guy would have to had sometime to understand his role as a bisexual man in today's society and with himself before he can with another woman or men and yes even you. 

I hope this helped somewhat & if you wish to you can always reach me at my email at askabisexualguy@gmail.com 

I hope things work out well with your ex-husband.